Ramble ramble.

Not coping well since having a Tympanoplasty done and am unsure about how to interpret new sounds, or if I am experiencing Tinnitus (ringing of the ears) or if I am even starting to hear voices outside my own. To deal with this, I am trying to listen to music as much as I can during the day. Music heals other psychological wounds too, as well as distracting from physical or mental pain, and possible psychosis. I have a habit of trying to look at blogs to understand what I am experiencing or see if someone else has a better description, but must just sit with this and try to think for myself.

Started a round of antibiotics yesterday and hope that it will do something for constant headaches and nosebleeds. I had a recent bang to my head (injured my neck/head) and could be in shock after it all.

The day is not 100 per cent miserable, though. I am resuming learning Queen on piano and hope to finish Don’t stop me now or to learn Bohemian Rhapsody in full from sheet music. Queen are one of the most difficult bands to try and play on piano so the challenge is good for me. I haven’t bought much classical stuff in a while.

Still don’t know what to do with the autobiography that I tried to write and publish, since it ended up more grim than happy. There’s no positive way to describe Anorexia or hospital admissions sometimes, or horrible memories.

The writing contest that I entered finally came around (I was really looking forward to it), but I did not submit anything for it. Had a really bad day.

Am hoping to resume some exercise that helps anxiety for me. Hula hooping is fun for me or easy because it is fairly repetitive, and challenging at the same time. You can just sick on an mp3 player and hoop and hoop.

Still hoping to move to Germany but haven’t got good arrangements yet. When you know you want to move somewhere and are not making much progress to get to your goal, it’s frustrating. I need to remember that skipping meals in the mean time will just make health worse.

Been so angry ever since someone hinted at me that I might have a personality disorder. It seemed very rude and a shock to hear. I’m sensitive and fairly emotional sometimes. Not able for the disorder labels any more though. Already have Anorexia Nervosa and problems, and adding “disorder” causes more anxiety. I’m young and still have time to get myself together. Been through a rough time as a teenager and found life hard to keep my eating problems to myself for years. No point in reading about this supposed personality disorder or looking at lists of symptoms on some website since they are so depressing. It’s not helpful. Instead of accepting what one person said to me, I will trust my own thoughts that I am constantly in pain. Pain is not a personality defect, but a sign that someone is suffering a lot of stress.

I see a lot in the world and it troubles me. I don’t see myself as having a personality disorder though. Just unable to know how to react to things other people do or say sometimes, and feel like since I have mental health problems, I don’t deserve respect from other people when they put me down.

Fed up of the mental health talks in Ireland about what everyone does wrong or how people act strange etc. People don’t ask questions or try to interpret people who are ostracised from others. We are often just misunderstood people with a lot of anxiety, have been hurt a lot in the past, and have no self esteem.

Bla

No answer from 24 hour hotlines when I try to seek appropriate help so am here just feeling even worse and pathetic. Angry towards services in Ireland and you can’t bother your friends with everything.

I haven’t wrote my piece for the writing contest I’ve entered, because I spent all day panicking and ruminating about the past. Ate a food supplement and no meal.

No idea what people expect from people who ask for help. I ask for certain medications and am advised to take stuff that does not agree with me. I can’t afford a food allergy test and am afraid of gluten, but am not sure if I am really intolerant to it, or am just scared of it after hearing about other peoples’ allergic reactions. It makes my stomach bloat and I sometimes puke involuntarily after bread. Will try to avoid it any way.

Ice cream also makes me feel ill. One of the first things I purged as a 12 year old was milkshakes. Starting to think my Eating Disorder has stemmed from reasons other than calories too. It’s not an excuse to go fasting, but it is hard to find food that you can just digest and forget about.  Always feel sick after eating.

Maybe will try come up with something for the remainder of this writing contest to escape my own brain but am just not in a good place. I was really looking forward to it and would have expected to be looking at it as something positive.

Sunday blues…

It is a lovely night out but I didn’t bother going outside to enjoy the sun. Wrapped up in worries and past memories. It is not getting me anywhere. I cannot comprehend why someone would try to beat up another patient in a hospital or why horrible things happen, but at least I am alive. Horrible things happen around the world every day and at least we are alive.

I got such a shock when I seen the huge fire in London on TV. I was cooking and burnt my hand. I guess that I am still somewhat naive and hope for the best all the time, and just can’t understand why so much suffering happens. I was thinking of family and friends, and people I knew from England. And ended up not focusing on my food, burning my hand. Have to let go from other people’s’ suffering unless they ask for help themselves. We meet so many people in life and it is hard to keep up communication.

I feel like a broken record talking to some people sometimes. Very self-centred or something. You get tired of being compared to the worst cases of depression or suffering though when you are just trying to express your own personal situation.

On a lighter note, there is 7 hours left to finish this competition. Trying to fake being motivated in my head and maybe after twenty minutes, it might actually be enjoyable. You have to force yourself to do things sometimes and then you cheer up.

Must ignore the brown blood coming from my nose and thumping headache, and an intense feeling of doom and gloom. Cannot describe or explain some pain and sensations that happen. I have panic attacks sometimes and then see that things happened around the world. We all have senses and things we can’t explain sometimes. My gut instinct is telling me that I am dying at the moment and it’s hard to know how to understand what’s going on. Or maybe I am just institutionalised by hospitals and imagining weird things.

 

 

Happier things.

When I used goodreads again, it reminded me that books help me through pain and eating problems. It is a way of engaging with someone else’s work without talking or a different means of communication and interpreting for me. I picked up Russell Brand’s book that had been lying around for a while and hope to read it over the weekend.

I published my own book on Anorexia and it turned out bad. It was full of grammatical errors and I thought the layout was OK at the time, but no-one would understand what was behind me not fixing the errors. I had spent 2 years trying to write an autobiography about food issues and in the end, thought that it would be fine to just publish something that had not been edited by someone else. It is more sorrowful than hopeful and has nothing happy in the end. It ended up involving medical annoyances as opposed to what I really like to do in life or enjoy doing. I haven’t re-read it and probably wouldn’t try to spent time marketing it to readers or trying to sell it. I put 2 years in to trying to compose it. I’m a bit pissed off, but anyway. It was hard to know what to do because a lot of people write autobiographies under pen names or else they have help in marketing or conferences for selling. Self-publishing was another lonely venture, but at least I tried. I made 13 USD profits and can’t access them because you have to reach sales targets.

The Flash Fiction 2017 challenge by NYC Midnight begins at 7am Irish time, so I will take part in that. I haven’t posted on any forums but hope to find other nice people to talk to, or get the opportunity to read pieces from other people. It’s something positive, anyway.

For eating problems and feeling constantly sick, I’ve started to wear an eye mask around my head. It stops this constant feeling of pressure that I have. I have been sneezing brown stuff that looks like blood, or else it is dust. It could be allergies or something more serious, but checking Google just scares me. All I can do for now is wear this weird looking headband around my head, because it helps me in not feeling like screaming when someone speaks to me or when I hear certain noises. I am still measuring my waist every day but it is not causing me stress (to lose more or gain more). The urge to get to a certain waist measurement is still in my mind, but as an adult, I have never gone below a certain number, and will never reach what some people reach on Anorexia sites/ pro-ED sites. Maybe they are still teenagers or just have different bone structures/ heights/ are exaggerating how much weight they have lost. It is not very rational to want to compare yourself to some other sick person whom you have never met on the Internet, anyway. It happens though.

Music is helping all the horrible memories that come flooding back in to my mind in the space of a second. I panic and don’t know what to do. Colours, smells, different things make me want to scream. It is hard to come off of a lot of medications and try to cope, especially being at home and not having much to look forward to. I took out my grade 2 Piano book from the Royal Irish Academy of Music and can play Handel- Gavotte again (fairly well). I am happy with this accomplishment, because the rhythm was frustrating to grasp. The book is over 10 years old and it took me months of practise to sit this exam and receive my award.

With regards to foreign languages, I am still fairly disheartened. A lot of people think you can just learn from a free app nowadays, but it is hard to show how you cannot. It takes years to reach fluency or near-fluency. Job interviews are so tough because you are speaking through English about a job through another language. I think I will move to Germany as soon as I can, so that I can be surrounded by as much of the actual language as possible. Maybe trying to teach my own native language in Germany would be something to look in to. Very mixed up here. Commuting is hard and finding accommodation, and my grades don’t match what people probably expect in order to do a M.A., which had been a dream of mine. You can’t get everything you want from life though. I messed up.

I will stay reading books and playing music to try and keep happy, or sane. Being off alcohol is so tough because that used to be a way for me to socialise. I am tired of chatting through text messages on Facebook and looking at pictures on Instagram, because it doesn’t feel like friendship. Other people are busy and have friends, but I am a bit left behind, after being sick all the time and moving around for university/ study. Hoping to settle in to a new place where there are happy, positive things to do, and new people to meet.

 

Hmmm

Always rant about something and feel like I have to delete stuff on my blog. Feel a bit more calm at the moment about annoyances with other people but am still down and out. Trying to cope with my life but getting a lot of reminders of the past. It is hard. I always have this problem on social media. If I talk to someone face to face, they forget what they say or act like they didn’t write a bad comment or something.

Sick of the internet, sometimes.

I will order some paperback books instead of reading on Kindle. Still have some from when I lived in France for a short period, so that is something to be happy about, until I move on with my plans in life. I get so frustrated with myself and with other people.

My Gmail inbox is full of so many promotion e-mails and ads, and when I see travel and concert pictures on Instagram, I feel lonely.

I could post up weight loss pictures, like it is something positive, and probably receive happy feedback, but that wouldn’t feel right.

Not pushed on gaining or losing weight. Just don’t care about food. Apathetic about everything and do not trust anyone at the moment :/

Multilingual Millennial problems

It might be 6pm in Ireland, but in your head you are thinking of someone in Australia. Or your family in America. I never feel at home or happy because my heart is somewhere else, worrying about someone in another country who I haven’t seen in years.

Ich mag Alexibexi, denn er sagt es so klar. Mein neues Lieblingslied ist unter YouTube und es ist auch auf Englisch:

Vielleicht wenn ich nach Deutschland reisen und leben, dann habe ich nicht diese Problem. Es ist schwierig zu erklaren zu andere Leute.

Mein Herz tut weh. Eben weil wir kein mehr Irisch sprechen in Irland…

Losing my mind

5am and I am awake angry. I got my period back and feel awful, and ate nearly 2000 calories today.

I finally believe that one of my legs is shorter than the other and don’t need to save up for a private orthotic doctor to tell me so. I am going to try and buy a proper insole to help my balance. Before, I thought that it was my vision causing this imbalance, or my supposed ear disease. It’s good that I finally feel confident in my own feelings about my body and don’t need reassurance from a GP who might put me on some waiting list for a year, while I wait in pain after exercising.

I hear screaming in my head sometimes, like I am back in a psychiatric unit, and am so angry. Why was I put in this awful place with disturbed people who constantly talked about their lives? Before being diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, I had chatrooms online and coped with studying and working simultaneously. Sure, I might have been laughed at or bullied, but that goes on in real life situations too. At least online, you can block the people who don’t like, instead of being forced to share a 4 bedded room with people who sometimes annoy the crap out of you. Same people all the time, same stories, same crap to me. I am the same, since I have an Eating Disorder, and annoy other people too. I will never end up locked in our country’s biggest psychiatric unit though, where you need to drive through a load of gates or something, before you even get in there. The thoughts of that would be un-imaginable. I have worked too hard to progress to a psychiatric unit that is really like a jail. I was already in an enclosed space for years, drugged up to the last.

Being off medications means that I can finally think through French and German, my other languages besides English, and I would never go back on anti-psychotics that would prevent me from what I love. Language is communication. Speaking 3 languages means I can buy more books and read more, or travel more, and make more friends, if I am free from control from doctors and people who try to dictate me rather than help me in my life. I won’t stay stuck in some service where I am bullied by nurses and patients. I have had to bite my tongue several times to try not to scream at people. Or else, I was on too many medications and couldn’t say what I wanted to say.

In retrospect, I have no idea why I thought I had to make friends with people at least 20 years older than me. I am not their age, and don’t have the same interests a lot of the time. I feel betrayed by a lot of people. Instead of focusing on my own personal goals of moving abroad and studying further, finding work and settling in to my own life, I am plagued by my memory of being sectioned under a mental health act. I had been trying to run out of a hospital and the psychiatrist forced me to stay in, because apparently my Anorexia Nervosa was then “EDNOS”. I have heard of EDNOS and didn’t care. I weighed enough.

Thankfully, I will be receiving my information under the Freedom of Information Act. This will not be easy, but it might show me that I am not to blame for being stuck in a hospital for 6/7 years non-stop with the wrong treatment. Anorexics mostly over-exercise and being on bed rest all the time was awful. I was stuck in a wheelchair until I gained at least 12kg, and then for the final 2kg I was allowed walk. When I reached 50kg and was discharged, my legs hurt all the time after walking for even half a mile. University was a nightmare, climbing steps and just moving around. I looked fine and weighed a proper number, but I felt so unfit and fat. I thought that I would at least be able to exercise a lot after gaining over 13kg. I wanted to be tube fed and instead I was fed yoghurts every 2 hours all day while I had a nurse beside me 24/7.

Being force fed is torture. If people are going to do it, then why literally spoon feed someone the same thing all day while they sit beside you, laughing and joking, and talking about all the nice things they get to do when they get off work?

I have no respect for the assholes who gave me abuse any more.

If someone hates their job, then they should just quit. Being a psychiatric nurse doesn’t mean that you can act like the patient too or make stupid jokes to someone who is hallucinating.

I shouldn’t need to research Anorexia every day when I eat a normal amount and still feel shit for fear that some doctor is now going to come along and make up some new disordered label for me, and put me in to another hospital.

I gave all my thoughts and confessions about habits and behaviours relating to an Eating Disorder, and in return I get abuse off people. This is not fair.

You don’t bully someone you don’t understand, or know. You just don’t bully someone, full stop. If you were in secondary school, you could be suspended for bullying, or given detention. Back in primary school, we had to write 20 lines of “I must not…” if we did something inappropriate.

Maybe education has changed in Ireland and they aren’t as firm, and the younger people might understand respect a little better.

I’ve had a rough upbringing, from being smacked on the head with a hardback dictionary (off some substitute teacher no-one got along with) to being abused by an old man (and ending up in a unit) to being raped last year. I am frustrated and sometimes anxious or angry if someone treats me in a way that reminds me of traumatic times. If someone wants to support you, then they would realise not to act stupidly around you. Sudden movements involving body contact scare me so much. I don’t understand some jokes because growing up, or even still, people believe silly rumours.

Instead of having a new mental illness name put towards me, maybe I might ask for a brain scan to see if I have an actual crack somewhere in my skull, after my teacher bet me with the book. Being off medications is hard because my memory and cognition comes back in full force and I can start crying if something reminds me of something.

I was definitely told I was gifted as a child, but not really given support. So now, I am wondering do I have Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome, since Internet results point towards that. That can’t be true, in my eyes. Anorexics think very rigidly sometimes and have a lot of anxiety, and with traumatic memories, then maybe that is what gives me so much anxiety around certain situations.

I was told, also, that I had a photographic memory when I was growing up, and coming off medication, I am trying to see what that actually means. There are tests on some websites and then others claim that it doesn’t exist, which was nice to see.

If I could turn back time, I would have tried to enjoy my childhood and teenage years more, than focusing on test results for school or pleasing teachers by knowledge. Book smart doesn’t always mean street smart. We had one PE class per week, so it’s no wonder that a lot of us were bouncing out of our chairs during classes. I used to shake my leg all the time to try and burn extra calories, because I did study after school, from 4pm to 7pm. Maybe that’s why my right leg has actually ended up 1cm/1 inch shorter than the left.

I am still a Catholic but feel hurt by my upbringing. Things are a lot more liberal now, so I shouldn’t be judged by an illness or the past. I feel a constant need to apologise for things I did as a child or as a teenager, or a need to apologise 10 times for saying something stupid. Or a need to starve for cleansing my soul, sometimes (also for calories… it’s very complicated). If you pray sometimes, and try to do the right thing, then you don’t need to punish yourself.